Dear scared,

Alice wonders what exactly you want to tell your mother: that you care about someone; that you are seeing someone and want him to be part of your family; that you've been having sex for two years? How will you benefit from telling your mom? What are your expectations? Perhaps you are tired of "sneaking around" behind her back, or maybe you think she'll take your relationship and/or you more seriously?

After answering some if these questions, think about how things will change between you and the other "players" involved -- your mother, father, boyfriend, and other family members -- after you have this talk. Be realistic. Have you ever talked with them about sex at all? Based on anything they may have said, how do you really think they will react to your announcement? Might your parents try to stop you from seeing your boyfriend? Is there any chance they'll kick you out of the house?

If your family is religious, they may not take this news too well. Alice understands that you might want to "clear the air" and let your parents in on your "other life." Sometimes, though, it's better to keep certain things to yourself. It sounds as though you and your parents might not share the same views on some issues, such as pre-marital sex and birth control.

Usually an advocate of openness and honesty, Alice might sound a little hypocritical right now. Withholding information, however, is different from dishonesty. You can tell your mother about your relationship little by little, having her meet your friend and inviting him over for dinner. Let your mom get to know your boyfriend; and, let her get to know the two of you as a couple. Or, if you want to get it over with, are there siblings and other relatives who can help you predict mom's response? It sounds like you have a healthy relationship and that you're being safe. You don't have to drop the entire kit and caboodle all at once, risking a major upheaval at home.

Of course, only you can judge how you think this news will be received. And, if you'll really feel better telling them everything at once, then do what you have to do. Alice's main advice is to think things through before you open a possible can of worms so far that you can't get it closed.

Alice

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