Dear Concerned,

Alice wants you to know how much she respects your desire to understand and sympathize with your partner's uniqueness. Not everyone is so lucky! What turns each of us on is intensely personal. It is part of our unique make-up.

Similarly, what usually turns us on has turned us on for years, and it usually doesn't change. For example, if our personal taste is to "buzz" when we see someone with a ponytail, that will probably remain a constant; however, it is possible to also respond to someone with short, curly hair. Yet the ponytail arousal trigger will remain, regardless. In other words, often we can expand our arousal mechanisms, but there are clearly some constants. You may want to read "The Erotic Mind" by Jack Morin, Ph.D., published by Harper Collins. It is an excellent and fascinating book on this topic.

As for crossdressing, women in western society have been able to crossdress without much concern. Consider Marlene Dietrich in her tuxedos, and Katherine Hepburn in her well-tailored trousers, both of whom, indeed, set a standard of style that is still present. Men, in western culture, however, don't have such flexibility. For examples, ponytails on men are fashionable in some cities, but not others; and, men in traditional Scottish kilts are looked upon strangely by those outside of their culture.

Crossdressing is not something your husband chooses. It's a part of him that is deep and constant. Unfortunately, not much support is given to the partners of people who crossdress. Alice wants to encourage you to remember that this is the same man you fell in love with and wanted to marry. Now he has an interesting, other side that perhaps you knew nothing about. Here is your opportunity to learn something intimate and special about your husband. Your "help me to understand" attitude will go a long way in building bridges with him.

Sandra Cole, a sex therapist and past President of AASECT, the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, counsels female partners of crossdressers. Her presentation at the XXVII Annual Conference, "The Female Experience of the FEMME: A Transgender Challenge," and "Healthy Transgenderism" by Nancy Nangeroni, may be of interest to you.

AASECT

P.O. Box 5488

Richmond, VA 23220-0488

E-mail AASECT

You can order the tapes from the conference through:

Resourceful Recordings

43 Hill Road

Tilton, New Hampshire 03276

Phone: 603.524.6725

Fax: 603.524.3307

Another excellent resource is the library at SIECUS, the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States. You may reach them at:

SIECUS

130 West 42nd Street, Suite 350

New York, NY 10036-7802

Phone: 212.819.9770

Fax: 212.819.9776

E-mail SIECUS

The librarian there will, for a fee, conduct a literature search and will also be able to copy pertinent articles for you. The staff at SIECUS are incredibly helpful and resourceful.

Again, Alice gives you credit for your search to understand. Her hunch is the more you read, the more compassion you will feel. People who crossdress, as well as their partners, deserve much more respect and understanding than the TV talk shows often give them.

As you listen to your husband, as you learn more about his interesting and complicated issue, try to pay attention to your own feelings, have compassion, and build on common ground. This is not something he will grow out of, nor is it something he has a great deal of control over. Remember, his crossdressing is about him, and does not take away from his love for you. In fact, the effort that you put forth to learn more about your husband may bring the two of you closer together.

Alice

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