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I am a college grad who has always had trouble finding a girl to have a romantic relationship with. I have had only one real relationship during my junior year in college and it ended before the point in which we would have had sex. (Alas, I am still a virgin!). The other day my older brother (by 1 year) and I were talking about this and he advised me to be more aggressive. (I am admittedly somewhat shy). However, I fear that it may be something more basic than that. I used to not think that my brother was that much better looking than me but seeing girls walk across a crowded room to talk to him on more than one occasion while I stood right beside and watched has changed my mind and affected the confidence I have in myself. I'm starting to realize that all the girls I am interested in don't see me as attractive. Without even asking, I can see it in their eyes: "Let's just be friends". If my problem is lack of physical charms maybe I should set my sights lower.
What do you think??
Signed,
Lonely without Love
Dear Lonely without Love,
There are no generic standards for attractiveness-- different people are attracted to different features in other people. Physical looks, charm, quietness or outgoing-ness, sense of humor, intelligence or stupidity, long hair or short hair, it's impossible to determine which qualities might attract a potential mate. The women who are attracted to your brother are not the same women who would be attracted to you-- AND THAT'S A GOOD THING!! You and your brother are different; you've already acknowledged that. In spending all your time watching the women who are attracted to your brother, you are missing the women who might be attracted to you!
Another thing most people can spot immediately is someone who's "hard-up" or looking too hard for Mr./Ms. Right. This is rarely an attractive quality-- and when it is, it's not often a great setting for the beginning of a relationship. Stop for a moment and take a look at yourself-- think about and recognize all that you have to offer a potential partner. Then think about the qualities you would enjoy in someone else. Next time you go out dancing or are in another public place, as you're looking around, remember that you're a good catch for the right person, and be discriminating about who you choose to socialize with. Talk to lots of women, knowing that you will not have a relationship with all of them, but that you're open to exploring the possibility with a select few-- your selection! Don't be afraid of being rejected, that's part of the process of finding someone compatible.
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